August 17, 2016 02:49pm
Amy Schumer's Black Book
Source: Radar Online
by: Gina Bacchiocchi
Amy Schumer has never been afraid to tell it like it is, especially regarding her love life. In her new memoir, the Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, the superstar shares her secrets about famous former hookups.
After briefly dating a dim lacrosse player, the comedienne, 35, moved on to an NFL star. During a kiss in her hotel room, she decided she "just wasn't feeling it." "He grabbed my ass and kissed me and I stopped him and said good night," she wrote. "I made up some excuses about why I couldn't hang out with him until he stopped asking."
Another athlete! She dated a "famous professional wrestler" after meeting on Twitter. "He was healthier, stronger, and more disciplined than most people who play a sport involving a ball or uniform," she gushed. "He was so physically perfect, small, funny and kind." However, she left him for an ex-boyfriend. (She once reportedly dated WWE star Dolph Ziggler, though she never exposed the wrestler ex's name in the book.)
Next, Schumer says she dated an A-list rocker. "He's famous and I'm a fan," she dished. But on a second date in New York's swanky Bowery Hotel, she got nervous and watched her self-esteem plummet. "This was a fucking date with a fucking rock star!" she explained.
When they went up to the bedroom, she wasn't "present"- because again, she was pining for an ex-boyfriend. "We touched each other and tears started rolling down my cheeks," she recalled.
When a professional hockey player asked her out, the Trainwreck actress said she agreed in an effort to impress her New York Rangers fan sister and brother-in-law. But the NHL star was 40 minutes late to the date, and brought a group of his friends!
Later that night, they went back to his apartment, where he soon got naked- and was met with a huge surprise. "He took his dick out and I became a cartoon," she wrote. "My jaw hit the floor."
"I felt like I was trying to fit an entire Thanksgiving turkey in a toilet paper roll: Not happening," she said. She ultimately decided to pass on the hookup opportunity.
The famous athlete is now married to a "gorgeous, tiny" woman, she claimed. "Whenever I see pictures of them I think, 'Good luck with that, sweetheart!'"
Who are these a-list suitors? Sadly, she's not naming names in her little black book. "It's just that I would personally like to have more sex in my life, and what guy in his right mind would get down with me if he knew he and his penis might end up in my next book?" she explained to disappointed fans.
Now, Schumer is dating furniture designer Ben Hanisch, 29. The couple recently celebrated their six-month anniversary with a Hawaiian getaway.