January 16, 2006 12:48am
Maja Lee Official Retirement Statement
Source: Letters to the Editor
by: Maja Lee
Ok, I realize I owe this to you guys/girls & I've been putting it off for over a year now. Well, I've been putting off a lot of things for awhile now, but my new mantra of "I'm not fucking around" is taken over.
Yes, I know some of you have figured it out in the last year that I no longer do XXX movies (act in them). The last movie I did was David Aaron Clark's "Asia Noir 4" in August 2004. Yeah, that's a whole year and a half ago... I never once confirmed or denied your claims or questions in email, on the forums, groups, etc and just tried to leave it to your own conclusions. I know I owe all my friend & fans more than that.
(Deep breath) So here goes.
I've decided to not perform in front of the cameras for the reason that I never was nor never will be comfortable with my face & voice. You're thinking "no one likes the way they look on camera!" I'm seriously psychologically fucked up (for lack of better words) about my face. No amount of arguing or convincing can change what I believe is the absolute truth. I'm not pretty enough.
You have your opinions but I know the truth.
It was a extremely hard decision to make and took me a long time of trying to look past it, ignoring it, denying it, trying to convince myself that there are other girls less attractive than me, etc. It was also hard to leave (performing) since it was the most natural feeling for me to start in it. I've idolized the industry for years & being an exhibitionist really excites me; having sex with people watching has been the greatest rush. I've felt extremely lucky to have been part of the performing side on the video & internet content side of it and I have no regrets there.
"So why don't you just get over it and accept how you look?" I've tried for years! When I first got in (in 2002) I thought I was Ok looking, even pretty. Until I started getting TFP photos done for my first portfolio; I then saw myself like other people do/would. When you look in the mirror you're so desensitized to how you really look & don't notice all the flaws & disproportions. Once I saw "glamour" pics of myself & saw myself on film for the first time I was utterly horrified, LOL. There's been so many times I've said "ok, that's it, I'm quitting for good!" but I was loving it too much.
In the second year, after analyzing myself on video, I tried to do things differently. I did my make up better. I turned my face a certain way for the camera. I tried to talk differently. I did my hair. I tried hard to make myself look like those Asian pornstars that I've admired for so long. I tried to not look at myself in media. LOL
The third year was harder than the first year. I kept torturing myself about how I should've & could've done things differently with plastic surgery ay a young age. I realized that I wasn't getting any younger and my age was starting to show. I often wished I could took like Tera Patrick & the things I would trade for the chance to switch faces with them. Ok, so I'm a lil neurotic & crazy but what woman isn't??? I was bitter & angry about my genetics & took it out on other people. Mainly the "pretty" girls. I'd challenge them intellectually to prove I was smarter & superior in business to make them look "stupid." I know that's completely wrong & I apologize for being a bitch (personal face-to-face apologies will come in time).
I've had long & tiresome arguments with my best friend about my looks. Through all the crying, threats, screaming & more crying he never once agreed with me that I was "Not pretty". ( I don't like using the word ugly) No matter how much I screamed he never faltered or backed down from me, and I argue hard too. He also pointed out that my insecurities about my face also affected how I conducted myself in regular life & business dealings. It took me a long time to realize that and for it, I'm gratefully indebted to him. So, I'm not in a position to put myself out there in a role where I need to be "sexy." in fact I'm not comfortable with being the subject of any kind of pictures at all!! I don't like the attention & I really don't want it anymore. I'm just not strong enough to put myself in the public and knowing that someone somewhere is watching a video of me and thinking "oh, she's not as hot as ________" (fill in blank with the hottest Asian starlet of the moment). I know what the reviewers say, as well as the porn fans & I've often made the same remarks on other starlets... Yeah, I've been a judgmental, cavalier prick in the past & I think that's stopped... ??
It's been a long and tiring mental struggle for me.
So I'm writing this as a (long winded) explanation for you and also to bring some closure to this chapter in my life. The Last thing I want is for my anger & bitterness to fuel my successes (and failures) in the present & the future. I want to stop thinking "what if?" or "If only I looked like that." This also means probably the end of Maja-Lee.com . It's hard for me to prepare the picture/video updates without getting too analytical of my looks, again. LOL. So the best thing is to not put myself in that position anymore.
I want to thank Every Single One of you who've taken the time to learn more about me, taken an interest in whatever I had to offer & followed my online/video appearances throughout the last few years. Thanks for your emails, joins, questions, etc. It's been a serious dream come true.
Now the apologies:
To my ex-coworkers (the Smackdown Cru). Thanks for putting up with my crazy inccessent whining & crying during work! Holy shit, I feel sorry for all you guys. I used to get upset (Hahahaha, that was an understatement) at work after seeing my portfolio prints and they'd all have to give me hugs & calm me down in the office During work hours. I'm sorry I was such a handful & thank you (& my bosses) for encouraging me all the time. I bet you weren't expecting to hear that ever!
Marek. You had it second worst... Thanks for being a friend, listening to me and all the above things I just wrote. I know you're used to dealing with crazy women so he happy to know you don't have to deal with this again!
David Aaron Clark. Thanks for excellent skillz as a director to make me look as presentable as possible! I've had the best times & memories from being on your sets. In everyone of your movies you bring out the best in me. You are the Only person in the industry to make me tear up in like 2 seconds while talking porn & sharing a hug. I'm sorry for any arguments we've had & any misunderstandings. Feel free to call at anytime of the day without guilt, even past midnight!
If you made it all the way here then I'm sending out free copies of me & Hevyn Li in a girl girl DVD we did years ago! Just kidding.
Ok, so my site... I'm running out of content to update with and since I'm no longer comfortable in front of a camera in any capacity where I'm pressured to "look sexy" then it's kind of hard for me to update. If you've been a member for awhile feel free to cancel it. I will leave the site up and it's archives of over 6000+ pics & a ton of videos. You still get a great deal for the price.
Seriously, I've got a lot of sites that need my concentration & time, Plus a lot of new sites that I'll be developing in the next 2 months. I feel really bad for ending it like this... I will still update on a regular basis for as long as I possibly can (meaning, until my archive/collection of stuff runs out).
Ok... I'm ready for the barrage of emails of protests. Go for it. LOL