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February 06, 2005 12:00am
Ask a Swinger: Be My Valentine! Win Date with Julie
Source: JulieWild.com
by: Julie Wild

I want to thank all my readers for sending in your questions, comments and suggestions. I am holding a contest and the lucky winner will win a date with me to Trapeze in Atlanta Georgia. Nothing to buy, just visit my web site and enter your name and e mail address or send me an e mail. Contest@JulieWild.com

This weeks mailbag ranged from questions concerning intimacy in the bedroom, being the best valentine present and swinging for singles. Please send your questions to Julie@JulieWild.com


Hi Julie,

Well, I'm not sure if I am in the right place to get the advice I need. I am newly married, and have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long term relationship. I am writing to you to get help in initiating sex with my wife.

We have sex on average two or three times a week, and sometimes our sex is just downright spiritual. Other times it is clearly just getting off. The problem I am experiencing is how to inspire my wife to want to fool around more often. I feel as though I have been more than creative and anything but lazy in my attempts. But, if she's caught up in her head over other things going on in her life, it is impossible for me to get her in the mood.

I have tried lighting candles all over the house, and greeting her at the door with a glass of wine. I run her baths frequently, and even have given very sensual massages. I guess the massages have led to sex, but if she's not in the mood, she will not even want the massage.

We do have fulfilling sex. We both orgasm, and sometimes many times. The problem is that I want it to be more casual. I want to be able to be light about it, and have some raunchy fun together in between the times when we are trying to experience "god" through our lovemaking. Can you help?

Your sight is cool, but I'm wondering: Are you really a coach? Or, are you just looking to help those lonely and sexually starved men out there? No judgment either way. There is a great need for both of these things.

Anyway, if you think you could offer me some help, please get back to me. We always talk about letting another woman into our play. Maybe that's the answer?

Fred J.

Dear Fred,

Compared to most of the letters I receive, having sex two to three times a week is above the average. I see two potential problems with your situation. Most women can't get into the mood while the kids are crying, the dishes need to be washed and the washing machine needs to be unloaded. Maybe you could plan a overnight date away from the home, a nice candlelight dinner, dancing and a night alone at your favorite hotel.

Another potential problem I see with your letter is your expectations. Try to let things flow naturally. I am sure she appreciates the massage, candles and wine, but if she had a hard day at the office or is stressed over family issues, there is nothing you can do to set the mood, women do not have on-off switches.

My suggestions is talk to her about setting a date for intimacy and start with a Valentines date. Clearing mind chatter is an art and one she can learn and perfect. I think I would work on your relationship before you bring in a third person.

As for as your question, yes, I am a Certified Coach and take my service very serious. My e mail advice to readers is always free of charge.

Dear Julie,

I'm 35. I'm with a girl for the last 6 months and we love each other very much and we have a great sex life. When we start making love, it can go on for hours and she has multiple orgasms.

We wanted to explore different aspects of sex and we have been with couples and had threesomes with a girl and a man too. Well my problem is that when we have group sex I always have difficulty getting hard. It happened when we were with a girl and when we were with couples. The only time that I did not have this problem is when we were with a man but he was a friend of mine.

The interesting thing is that before that relationship, a few years ago I was with 2 girls and I was hard for 2 hours and ejaculated 2 or 3 times. Maybe being in relationship and loving this girl changes things?

Awaiting your comments... Chad N.


This problem is more common than most people realize. I have been to many swing clubs, movie sets, parties where I heard some young man bragging about his performance only to see him devastated by his inability to perform. There are several reasons for this. With a wife or girlfriend present, you have mixed emotions, especially when you see her with another man.

Another problem is expectations, when you are expected to perform on demand, it is very different than when you take your time and enjoy the journey. As for as being with your friend, I am sure it felt safe, comfortable and the mood was fun, so you felt relaxed to enjoy the moment.


If you have a question for Julie, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com. If you would like to find out more on Julie's Phone sex Coaching, please visit JulieWild.com or call me at 404-806-7386 for more information.

HardArt Films

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