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January 23, 2005 12:00am
Ask a Swinger: What's a Man To Do?
Source: JulieWild.com
by: Julie Wild

January is a tough month on relationships, cleaning up from the holidays, getting back to work, setting resolutions and having time to reflect on life, love and happiness. Many couples use this down time to explore what is important to them, what is working in their relationship, others focus on what is not working in their relationship. What's a man to do when relationships are out of balance?

As a coach, I suggest that everyone take time to clarify their own goals and values. This will help you achieve happiness in all areas of your life.

This weeks mail focuses on what to do when your relationship is out of balance. If you have a question, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com


Dear Julie,

I'm one of those husbands that is in need of more than I'm receiving. Just like your site reads I love the wife and kid but have a higher sex drive than the spouse. I just happened to find your site and thought I would see what type of response I get. I have explored some other avenues and don't know that I am getting what I need or not. I guess I would know if I was because I would feel satisfied, but I don't. Thought I would give you a shot to see if you could cure what ails me.

Rick P.

Dear Rick,

Your e mail is very familiar to me, sex seems to be everywhere except at your doorstep? You feel that your sex drive is not in balance with your spouse? You want more, she wants less? My guess is you have tried to fulfill your needs outside the home, but left feeling empty and unsatisfied.

I regularly tell my clients that having a relationship outside the marriage is a symptom and not the source of the problem. If you would like to balance your sex drives, you need to look deep to find the source of the problem. Since I have limited information to go on, my guess is she is tired, maybe taking care of the kids, the house, even a part time job? My suggestion is to talk to her about your desires. Communicate your request, don't make her guess and most important, remember women like romance and foreplay. Have you tried mutual masturbation, phone sex or asking her to watch you masturbate, it just might rekindle the spark.

Dear Julie,

Hi my name is Carl, and I am a 41 year old married male with kids. I have been with my wife for 15 years and love her very much. The problem is that she has completely lost her sex drive. She doesn't masturbate and never wants sex. Unlike me, who can masturbate several times a day. She is not a total prude, because once in a while she will watch a porn movie with me, and even use a vibrator and masturbate for me, while I get off.

The problem is how do I get her more interested in sex? I do not want to cheat on her. I would to love to swing, but I know that is out of the question. I would also, like to find a nice clean couple in my area that would not mind a very nice clean guy watching them have sex, while I masturbate. Do you have any recommendations? I would also like to join in on your phone sex orgy. How do I do that discreetly without my wife finding out? Your help will be greatly appreciated.

Carl P.


Thanks for the e mail. You asked several questions so I hope I can answer them all. First off, if you love your wife, I suggest you communicate your desires to her and assist her in exploring your sexual desires as a couple. One suggestion is if she is willing to watch a porn movie with you, maybe you could suggest visiting a swing club, with specific boundaries in place, so she will feel safe and secure. Something like, lets visit a swing club this weekend and just watch, and then we can come home and recreate the evening in our own bedroom.

If you are looking for a couple to watch, some swing clubs have one or two nights that allow single men. Although I am not suggesting you visit a swing club alone, it is a safe way to watch a couple or two. Many couples would enjoy knowing they are being watched.

My phone sex party is free, and I would recommend you talk to your wife and ask her to join in on the call. You could both call from your home and I always give priority to women. It is a lot of fun and great for relationships that need a burst of energy. My phone parties have the energy of a swing club, with the privacy and security of staying home.

Dear Coach Julie,

You are one special lady. I wish I could be more like you. I have been married for 12 years, about 4 years ago, our sex life was really dull and boring. It was the same thing, week after week. One day I was outside in the yard and a neighbor walked by and stopped to talk. We had a lot in common and arranged lunch. We became best friends and within weeks discovered how much we loved each others company.

My husband travels on business, so I invited my friend to spend the weekend with me since I would be alone. We soon found that two women can make great bed partners. I discovered how much enjoyment I get out of making love to a woman.

This has been going on for a long time and now I think I would like to leave my husband for this woman. What should I do?

Ann S.

Dear Ann,

It is interesting to receive your letter. Most questions about sex outside the marriage are from men. I would suggest that you carefully think through this decision just like the advice I give to men. Don't apply a long term solution to a short term problem or goal.

Most individuals that I work with do not give up a marriage for better sex. If you are seeking to live with a lady, that might be another factor. If it is just for a better sex life, please consider all dynamics of your divorce before moving out. One suggestion might be to discuss this desire with your husband. Your marriage could be strengthened by your honesty. On the other hand, he might want out of the marriage as much as you do. Communication is the best advice I can give you.


If you have a question for Julie, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com. If you would like to find out more on Julie's Phone sex Coaching, please visit JulieWild.com or call me at 404-806-7386 for more information.

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