November 06, 2004 07:54am
Ask a Swinger: Julie's Secrets To a Healthy Relationship
by: Julie Wild
Although I love to write about the alternative lifestyle, swing clubs and parties. My mailbox this week has been overflowing with questions about relationships.
I am often asked how I participate in the alternative lifestyle, visit swing clubs and parties, while maintaining and building a healthy relationship. The answer is in communication and problem solving.
I tell my clients to communicate clearly with your partner about their likes and dislikes, about their dreams and fantasies. I also suggest they work on negotiating and problem solving, all couples will have problems and disagreements, the test is how well you can solve these problems with the least damage to the relationship.
Here are a few letters from readers who have relationship problems:
I have a problem in my marriage. We are in our 30's and want to make changes before the relationship slips into the "danger zone."
Communication on the topic of sex does not come easy. I seem to have a stronger sex drive. Every time we talk about my concerns, it ends in an all night fight, the mood is lost and we end up not speaking for days. Can you help?
Wayne and Barbara Atlanta GA.
Dear Wayne, Your situation is very common. I specialize in relationship issues. Marriage is about building on the positive, the things you can agree on and managing the issues you do not agree on. In all healthy relationships, the partners do not always agree on everything, they just know how to respect the others opinion and negotiate a compromise.
My suggestion would be to make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship, then build on these. Then make a list of the differences. Now before you discuss these issues with your wife, study them very close and think carefully to make sure this is not a perception issues. For example, you mention a mis-matched sex drive.
This may not really be the case, maybe your wife is not aroused by you, maybe she needs more intimacy and foreplay. Remember the old tale, women are like crock pots.
Try negotiating your differences like you were talking to your banker on your home loan, not like you are talking to a child. Start out with respect, make sure to listen fully and only respond when you truly understand what your wife is saying. Don't be too quick to reply. Respond, don't react.
I hope these ideas help, I am impressed that you are being pro-active instead of reactive. Always work on your relationship at the first sign of trouble, don't wait for the threat of divorce.
My husband is driving me crazy, wanting to go to a swing club. He is not satisfied with just going, he wants to participate. He claims we have a wonderful marriage, beautiful children, but the bedroom life is routine. He claims the mystic is gone from the relationship.
I told him I was not interested in sleeping with other people, but he is obsessed with swinging, wife swapping and threesomes. We just can't agree and it is destroying our relationship. I read your column and need your advice.
Sandy Daytona Beach FL.
Your situation needs some exploration. It requires more than a simple answer. Swinging is great for healthy relationships and bad for ones in the danger zone.
If you husband wants to build a deep, intimate relationship with you built on honesty and trust, swinging is great. If your husband wants to have sex with someone else or watch you have sex with other people for his pleasure, I would enter the alternative lifestyle very carefully.
Swinging is great for couples who want to gain new ideas, learn new techniques to please their partner. Swinging is fun, erotic, sexy and rewarding, but only if you can share your true feelings with your partner when you go home.
When I visit a swing club, my favorite time is after I leave the club, talking to my husband about my experiences, and the sex that follows. We use swinging to build and strengthen our commitment to each other, not as a substitute lover.
Please explore the real reasons your husband wants to visit a swing club before you enter the lifestyle. Make sure and have an agreement before you visit the first club, outlining the boundaries you both agreed upon. Do not cross those boundaries on the first visit to a club. Please let me know how it works out.
There must be more to life, sex is everywhere except at my house! I am an unhappily married man of 33 years. Yes, 33 years of misery in the bedroom. My wife is a great wife, great mom and wonderful to my parents. She can host the grandest parties, looks sexy for 52 years of age and tease like a college girl, but when the bedroom door closes, we go to sleep.
We have not had anything more than "duty sex" in the last 10 years. She does not like oral sex, (giving or receiving) she does not like to wear sexy lingerie, she does not like toys, she does not like adult videos or magazines, she only likes to dress sexy and to be admired by other men.
I have considered divorce, but this seems to be more than I am willing to give up. I love my family and want to stay married and faithful. What should I do?
I am sorry your bedroom life does not reflect her style of dress. You need to have a serious heart to heart talk with your wife. On the surface it seems you have a successful life except the passion is missing from the relationship. I think it is much deeper.
The first thing I would do is make sure she wants to build a healthy relationship. The second issues I would address is if she is having an affair. Several things in your letter point to a women who is trying to please two men. Maybe it is a time and energy management issues. She might be so tired at the end of the day she does not have time or energy for sex.
Provided it is not either of those two issues, I would say it is time for a session with a relationship coach or therapist. You both seem like you are ok when you are with other people, but not communicating when you are alone. This may require assistance from a third party, like a coach.
If you have a question for Julie, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com. If you would like to find out more on Julie's Phone sex Coaching, please visit JulieWild.com for more information.
[Find this story and more in Perfect Gentleman Magazine, the Colorado Magazine for Adults. Perfect Gentleman is a monthly magazine that combines mainstream and adult content aimed primarily at the 30 to 60-year-old age group. This glossy, full-color publication covers local and national topics from politics to adult entertainment, plus each month contains at least two full pictorials of beautiful women.]