October 18, 2004 01:00am
Ask a Swinger - Fall is for Swinging!
by: Julie Wild
I am not sure where the summer went. It seems like fall comes earlier and earlier each year. I hosted an alternative couples workshop last weekend. I enjoy working one on one with couples. We had about 15 couples in the room, mostly new to the lifestyle.
This week I have included some of the questions that were asked in the workshop. If your local swing club would like to host one of my couples workshops, please ask them contact me.
The following questions were asked at my recent couples workshop.
Will swinging improve my marriage?
The alternative lifestyle is only for healthy, well adjusted couples. If you marriage is rocky, swinging is not for you. Swinging will take a healthy, happy couple to a new level. Swinging will bring you much closer together and your relationship will be much stronger. If your marriage is suffering and troubled, all swinging will do is end the marriage that much faster.
Do you have couples that try swinging and then decide they don't like it?
I work with many couples who talk about swinging for many years, then decide to experiment with the lifestyle only to find it is not what they thought it would be. They cherish the memory and grow from the experience.
Do you ever have remorse or guilt feelings?
I guess I never have any more remorse or guilt than I do eating a chocolate brownie or ice cream. That does not mean that some people do not have guilt. The couples I know go through periods in their life, they become very active in the lifestyle for a year or two, then try other hobbies and interest. Most couples eventually find their way back to the swing clubs. This is a lifestyle, you develop friends around swinging, you share a common bond. I have friends who go to swing clubs every Saturday night but never take their clothes off.
Are all female swingers Bi?
I am asked this question by almost all new couples to the lifestyle. The answer is no. My guess is that 85% of female couples in the lifestyle are Bi or Bi curious. I would also say that more and more men are becoming very comfortable with their sexuality and I think you will see more and more Bi males in the lifestyle.
Are you afraid of catching a disease?
In today's society, this is a serious concern. Most swingers practice safe sex. Most swingers are more knowledgeable of safe sex practices than the general public. With that being said, swinging has an inherit danger, ( disease, pregnancy, relationship pressure, etc) but so does almost all hobbies. I have friends who like to ride their four wheelers in the woods on the weekends, that is certainly more dangerous than swinging. I believe you should experience life to it's fullest while balancing and minimizing risk. So just play safe.
What type of ground rules do you suggest couples set ?
One point I always suggest to new couples, is to set boundaries or rules before you enter into the first alternative party or club. These points need to be specific and clear. These boundaries need to address everything from who you swing with to if you swing alone. I suggest that couples discuss swinging in great detail before they experience with the lifestyle. My recommendation to new couples would be to only swing together the first time, keep eye contact with each other and make sure you don't forget your partner in the room. I always remind couples that the most important person during swinging is the person you arrived with and plan to leave with.
Are all swingers looking for fit bodies?
This is the biggest myth about the lifestyle. Sure we all want to look our best and being fit is not only sexy but healthy. Most swingers are 30 to 60+ and have mature bodies. People in the lifestyle are looking for the total package, personality, cleanliness and sex appeal. Body image is only one ingredient. I often meet really hot women at the clubs, unfortunately when I engage them in conversation, they turn me off. No matter how hot they are, I would not be interested in "playing" with them.
What happens if you run into someone you know or work with at a swing club?
I have friends who have experienced this exact situation. My suggestion has always been to address it instead of hiding and acting like you did not see each other. I know one guy who ran into a co-worker who was there with his wife. He asked me what to do and I told him to just go up and say, "Hey, I am so glad to see you both are in the lifestyle. I meet some really great people at these clubs."
This guy ended up talking with his co-worker the rest of the evening. I even know couples that have met neighbors at clubs and ended up having private house parties with the other couple. So never hide, or ignore the other person if you meet them, just act like this is natural and you are so glad they are part of the lifestyle.
Can you enjoy a normal night out at a local club after visiting a swing club?
For me, the answer is no. I call a straight club or bar, a "vanilla club." Once you visit a well run swing club, it is hard to enjoy your visit to a straight or vanilla club where the patrons keep their clothes on and the atmosphere is centered around how the people look instead of how they act. I also find that once you make friends in the lifestyle, your "vanilla friends" will seem boring, because you are not able to openly discuss sexuality and life.
If you have a question for Julie, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com. If you would like to find out more on Julie's Phone sex Coaching, please visit JulieWild.com for more information.