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Porn for GEEKS! Meet me & my friends!

Brea Bennett at Twistys

September 23, 2004 04:43am
Shay's Weekly Wash #03
Source: Adult Industry News
by: Shay Boogie

- Great news! I just found out that my local adult video store is going to have an in-store with Gina Lynn in mid-October. It's about time that we east coast porn fanatics get some love from all the west coast stars. In-stores like this are few and far in between for Bostonians like myself. Gina Lynn deserves a pat on the back...or actually, on the breast...for deciding to leave the warm weather of Cali for a pilgrimage to the chilly east coast. And if you're reading this Ms. Lynn...don't worry about bringing a jacket with you...if you start getting cold I'll be right there with a "heated log" so I can eat you...ooops...I mean "heat" you up.

- Which would you like to do more? Fuck Nikita Denise or get a blow-job from Jenna Jameson. I'd put this in the category of "things that make you go Hmmm?"

- Bella Marie Wolfe is one nasty little slut. Her nipples get more erect than most guys' dicks. Those things are like Pinocchio's nose. I'm surprised her co-stars are able to lick and suck them without having their mouths and tongue get all sliced up. Not only does she have fantastic nipples, but she's a squirter! In Assault that Ass #22 (Behind the Scenes), she actually squirted right onto the camera lens. That shit was crazy! What more can you ask for in a woman? I think I'm in love. Time to bring Bella Marie home to meet my mother for the upcoming Jewish holidays. Matzah, potato latkes, gefilte fish, and Bella's kosher tits...now that's a meal I wouldn't miss for the world.

- Speaking of squirting, I have my own thoughts on this phenomenon. The first time I really learned about it was from watching a squirting contest on Playboy TV. Each woman was positioned in front of a lit candle and given a dildo and a fluffer. When they reached the point of orgasm, their goal was to squirt onto the candle in order to put out the flame. I didn't believe this could be done but, astonishingly, a number of women managed to douse the flame with their internal super-soaker. I have never personally seen a woman squirt in front of me so I am unsure whether the liquid is merely urine or some other extra-terrestrial type of liquid. I asked my girl what she thought about the whole issue and she said that she's never known any squirters. Now I'm officially confused. I remember a few years ago I was with this girl and she kept asking me "Did you taste it?" after she came from me eating her out. I never tasted it but one time I made a concerted effort to position my tongue in a specific place in her pussy right before she came so I could see if I could taste it or not. Miraculously, I actually did taste something that was a little sour...and a little sweet. It tasted like a month-old gum drop. So whether girls actually squirt liquid, cum, or the aforementioned gum-drop, I will continually do my best effort to find out whether squirting is a reality or merely a figment of our imagination.

Forget terrorism, health care, and the economy, this should be the real issue in the upcoming election.

- Bella Donna is a gorgeous girl. I don't think anyone would argue with that. However...what the fuck is she doing with her hair? The first time I saw her she had that sexy jet-black hair that went just below her shoulders. Now every time I see her, she's either blond, bald, or has a dyke haircut. I gave her a pass on the tattoo on her chest but I don't know how much more of her "hair experimentation" I can take. Bella baby....please....go back to the gorgeous hair you had a few years ago. Like they say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

- Let's go back to high-school for a second for a little verbal questionnaire: Mercedes is to Nautica Thorn as: (choose the best answer)
a. Big Breasts are to tight pussy
b. Orgies are to gangbangs
c. Getting oral is to having orgasms
d. AVN is to AINews
e. All of the Above

And the answer is....E, of course. The analogy being: (Mercedes is) Great, (and Nautica Thorn is) Just as Great. Now there's a question I would have liked to see on my SAT test!

- One night I was about to have sex with this girl I had known for a few weeks. Even though I only knew her for a little while, I noticed a funny thing about her. She would never wear short-sleeves even though it was summertime and quite hot and humid. Whenever we got together she had on long-sleeve shirts. I always wondered why but never asked her or thought it was a huge deal. I just figured she was cold-blooded and needed the warmth of sleeves, even during July. When the night came that we were going to have sex, we started taking our clothes off. Just as I was kicking off my socks, I turned around and couldn't believe what I saw. Homegirl was lying on my bed completely naked...and I then knew why she was always wearing the long-sleeve shirts...this girl had arms the size of Hulk Hogan. To say she had "grandma arms" would be an understatement. I hate to say this but the size and build of them made me physically sick. I warily approached the bed and we began to have sex.

After literally one or two minutes into it, I just couldn't take the sight of those guns anymore and pulled out. I was just totally turned off. She sat up on the bed and asked what was wrong. I said, "Uh...I don't think we should be doing this. I mean, we don't even know each other that well. We should wait." Luckily, she believed me and began putting her clothes back on. Even though I felt like an asshole for doing so, I knew that I wouldn't call her again...and I didn't. Even today, I feel bad about what happened because she really was a cool girl. There was just something about those arms that made my stomach turn in knots. So fellas, if you're hanging out at the beach in August and some girl comes up to you wearing a long-sleeve shirt...remember the story I just told you and get the fuck out of there!

- Who's my favorite redhead vixen you ask? Hmmm...can you say Melanie Jagger! Melanie caught my attention a few years ago and I've been a huge fan ever since. Not only is she cute but she has an extraordinary pair of natural breasts. Just writing about her turns me on. Actually, I'll be right back...gotta throw on Elegant Angel's "Just Juggs" to get my daily fix of Ms. Jagger.

- I'd like to say "thanks" to the people over at Amazing.net for finally updating their site. The new format looks great. It was very aggravating going to the "Upcoming Appearances" section and seeing advertisements for meet-and-greets that had taken place months ago. Not only do they have great stores but now they have a great site. Thanks Amazing!

- How funny are some of the scenes in these European-themed porn flicks? I was watching Natural Wonders of the World Vol. 33 and was cracking up. The most humorous moment was during a scene in what was supposed to be similar to a techno club. Not only are we forced to listen to music that should be playing at a Village People's convention but the dancing that's going on...oh man, what can I say about it. I'm not one to judge because god knows, I have two left feet, but these dancers made me look like I had moves like Michael Jackson. I'm sure many Europeans can dance great, and I don't want to generalize, but that scene looked like it should be on the cutting room floor. Now I know why techno is a dying genre of music in the states.

- For those of you who enjoy both hip-hop music and porn, you must check out Smooth Magazine, King Magazine, and Fish N Grits. All three publications do a great job of exposing the link between the hip-hop world and the porn industry. The two really go hand-in-hand. The models in these magazines are breathtaking. Even though it's great to see naked women, sometimes it's even sweeter to see those scantily clad girls, and let your imagination do the rest. I'm sure all three of these literary giants will someday win Pulitzer's!.

Gina Lynn
Fuck Nikita Denise or get a blow-job from Jenna Jameson
Bella Marie Wolfe
Assault that Ass #22
Playboy TV
Bella Donna
Melanie Jagger
Elegant Angel's "Just Juggs"
Natural Wonders of the World Vol. 33
Smooth Magazine, King Magazine, and Fish N Grits

HardArt Films

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