Ask Antonia Anything!
Greetings again my lugubrious lovelies! It is I, the Master Debater, the Guardian of Gab, the Oracle of Onanism (please don't ask what that means) back again to answer your questions regarding the only growth industry in these economically impotent times.

There are fewer questions this time, but good ones to be sure. But I am a woman who likes quality not quantity. So here we go!

To begin with I would to follow on up a few items from my previous columns.

First, let's talk about the mystery of the missing porn star. As my faithful readers may recall, in my last column we plastered his hunky mug on a milk carton and published it for all to see. (I guess we could accurately refer to this as the Adult Industry equivalent of an "Amber Alert"). Turns out our efforts were successful and we were able to match a name to the face. However the joke was on us! Know why? Because he's not a Porn Star! No siree! His name is Kevin Williams and he is what we discreetly refer to in hushed tones as an "Entertainer". For all you who need this spelled out in black and white, Kevin is a Male Escort and an expensive one to boot.

Whoops, did I let the "Tom Cat" out of the bag? Sorry. Those of you with trust funds and discretionary income may visit Kevin at his virtual home: KevinWilliams.com. Don't forget to tip!

Moving along, my next answer is a follow up to the many requests I get regarding the selling and distribution of Amateur Videos. For all of you home bound Max Hardcores "In the making" I would like to refer you to a terrific new web site OGV.com. I personally contacted the owner of this fine establishment, Mr. Mike Frasca and was informed by him that he is actively seeking new talent. He interested in particular in the development and promoting of new faces and product. Mr. Frasca's site is comprehensive, informative, and easy to navigate. So to all of you porn wannabes out there, I suggest you let go of your dicks and your digicams and drop a line to Mike@OGV.com. Break a leg!

The next question has been answered before but it bears repeating:

Subject: cum like a pro
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 16:41:40 EDT
From: [redacted]@AOL.com
To: Antonia@AINews.com

"Dear Antonia,

I am sure you have had this question before, but here goes. Like any average 27 yr. old male, I have seen my share of adult videos. I have especially noticed a particular male star by the name of Peter North. My question is what is his secret to his everlasting ejaculations. I have never seen anything quite like it and I would love to know how he does it. Is it a special diet or something? I see ads everywhere for increased ejaculation from pills and stuff, but I am a little scared to start taking things that I know nothing about. Any info you have would be greatly appreciated."

Antonia responds:
I am also great fan of the legendary Mr. North. From all accounts I hear he is a nice guy on a personal level and very humble in regards to his talents. To answer your question: There are no special pills or drugs needed. So do not worry about engaging in risky behavior. On the other hand, a good diet and a healthy life style play an important role in creating memorable "Money Shots".

So focus on those two things and the rest will take care of itself. By the way, why don't you email some "before and after" pictures to me, perhaps my Editor (the stud muffin Mr. Steve Nelson) will publish them in this virtual fish wrap as an incentive to others and as an endorsement of a healthy lifestyle. Good Luck!

[We publish PG-13 rated pics only - Anything more revealing feel free to e-mail directly to Antonia. -Ed.]

I knew that some day my past would come back to haunt me! Read on:

Subject: question response Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002 17:37:11 -0400 From: [redacted]@AOL.com To: Antonia@AINews.com

"Dear Antonia:

On April 11th, someone said he was wanted to break into the adult film Industry and was willing to work for free. You responded by asking if he was willing to clean your house in the nude for a month. I'm not sure what his response was, but I know that I am interested. Email me back and let me know what the next step is.

Alex"

Dear Alex,

Thank you for your inquiry, unfortunately the position your are applying for has been filled and there is a very long waiting list of prospective manservants to be reviewed. In fact, there is a line of naked men that begins at my doorway and stretches around the block. As you can imagine this tends to tie up traffic at certain times of the day. Sorry I can't be more helpful. However, if you scroll down a little further there might be some Pakistanis interested in talking to you.

Respectfully,
Antonia

For this next question I say: Calling all girls! Calling all boys!

Subject: TS
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 17:07:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: cher [redacted]@yahoo.com>
To: Antonia@AINews.com

"Do you know a transsexual model named Antonia L'More who appeared in an old Nugget 1991 article?"

Could this be a long lost relative? Not!

Dearest Cher,
I searched the Internet far and wide for information about my namesake and was not able to glean much information about her recent whereabouts. But don't despair, you may still find the lovely Antonia L'More displaying her charms in vintage issues of "Nugget" and other fetish 'zines by going to TimsBookExchange.com/Fetish.htm. Enjoy!

Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this next question:

Subject: size
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002 17:34:18 -0400
From: [redacted]@bu.edu>
To: Antonia@AINews.com

"Dear Antonia, does size matter? Is 5 inches all right?
Alex"

My dear Alex,
As I mentioned earlier in this column, I am a woman who appreciates quality not quantity. So although sometimes size may look nice, it may not always feel nice for some people. For example, where you aware that the average size of a woman's vagina is about 5 inches? That is about the size of the average closed fist. Take a look at your own hand and put it into a fist and you will understand the Bauhaus Design Theory that says "form follows function".

May I murder the metaphor some more?

Ok, Dirty Harry's Magnum may look deadly but a Saturday Night Special can do as much damage.

Or try this on for size:
A stretch Limo might be nice to ride around in for special occasions but would you really want one parked in your garage?

Or if I may digress even further:
After Pamela Anderson left Tommy Lee for good (we think) and took up with Kid Rock, a friend of mine described their match up as a hot dog disappearing down a wind tunnel.

Figure that one out for yourselves.

On a more serious note, I find the next letter from the country of Pakistan to be particularly offensive. It's not enough that we send them millions of dollars in aid every year. Send our troops to protect their borders and kow-tow to their "President": "Pervert" Musharaff. And how do they thank us? By burning our flags, killing our journalists and sending me letters like the following:

"Dear Sir,
Please send me Literatures, Brochures, Catalogues, Magazines & Books free of charges on the under mentioned address:
Muhammad Iftikhar Uddin
20/64-1, Model Colony
Karachi-75100 Pakistan
Phone: 092-021-4500653"

My stud-muffin Editor responds:

"Makes me wanna write Him and say:

Dear Sir,
Please send me postage, book shelves, throw pillows, goats, iron skillets, a Palestinian, toilet paper, large rocks, gold, coffee grounds, smoke, hairpins, happiness, Nigeria, and coupons free of charge on the understated address:
Akbar Kfridar Akiem
8220 Perfect Place
Karachi-75100 Pakistan"

Now I would like to respond:
I will send you guys anything you want if you assholes can send us Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl back alive and in one piece!

Wow, that was intense. I've worked myself up into a lather so I'm gonna go take a shower. In the mean time keep those hot'n'horney letters cumming!

Hugs,
Antonia