May 23, 2006 02:38am
Who We Are vs. What We Do
Source: Adult Industry News
by: Devyn Devine
Who We Are vs. What We Do: Is There Really a Difference?
Hi all. Devyn Devine here with another column designed to provoke your thoughts. Recently, I have been faced with the question of who I am as a person verse what I do for a living. As many of you know, I have been under much scrutiny from the members of my old church.
As I have been trying very hard to put these things in my past, I feel like I am designed to wear a scarlet letter on my chest forever. Being judged on a rather daily basis has become somewhat of a second nature to me; however, I did not realize my narrow-mindedness on the type of people who would be judging me. Confused yet? Let me clarify...
Recently, someone who did not know me as "Devyn" found my website. The discovery of this website, while unfortunate, was not an accident. Consequently, these were the worst possible people who could have found my site - my now ex-boyfriend's parents (at the time we were still supposedly "solid.") My parents, my friends, and the people in my ex-church all know what I do. His parents did not. They simply knew me as **Laura (**name has been changed), the happy-go-lucky college student and older-woman girlfriend to their son. Once upon a time they liked me and welcomed me into their home.
Now with the onset of new facts about my life that we were omitting, in their eyes I have become this evil, treacherous woman trying to corrupt their son. Understandably, it does take a special type of person to accept this type of industry as a career, and I would have liked to believe that these were they type of people who would be shocked, yes, but would be able to separate who I am from what I do. More and more I am learning that people aren't able to do that. Moreover, could the type of person I am have caused me to get into porn? The question in my life now becomes this: Am I fooling myself into believing that I entered the adult industry out of circumstance or is it a complete and utter lack of morals which lead me down this path? To answer this, I had to really look at Who I am.
I am a low-key girl who is very shy. I am unsure of almost every move I make. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have this innate need to please people. I am someone who cares very much of what people think of me. The inner desires of my heart have always been to help those who are less fortunate than me or who are oppressed in someway by those in power. I am fun. I am a mom. I want only the best things for my daughter, and while most people not in the industry would condemn me for my methods, I don't care. So why then, when I have sex on camera, does that all go away? We all have sex because it is a basic human function. We all have sexual desires and fantasies that remain buried in the most secret places of our heart. My "job" as it were is to provide a certain fantasy to people - men and women. I find it amazingly hard to believe that we live in a society that despises porn, yet allows porn to be a multi-billion dollar industry year after year.
Furthermore, do we really live in a society where the stigma and stereotype of a certain type of person are clearer than the actual people themselves? My next statement is intended to make a generalization only and is only my opinion. It is my personal belief that the very things we hate the most are the very things that touch us on a very personal level. For example, I always say that I hate arrogance. Its true, I do. But that real truth is that I want to be arrogant. I want to have the goods to back up my claim that I am the best. Now, I don't go around saying this or even acting like this, but it is something that I hate which touches me on a personal level. So how do we bring this back to porn? One never knows what goes on behind closed doors. I had good friends - best friends in my old church who are all saintly and religious. One day in a rather intimate conversation, it comes out that she and her husband practice anal sex - something which is heavily preached against in that church. It is that reason that I believe those who hate porn are split between two different categories of people - those who genuinely hate porn and those who publicly hate porn all the while standing there wearing g-string panties and a butt plug.
So, if you hate porn, decide what category you fall into and act accordingly. The bottom line though is that no matter what category you belong in, people who perform in porn are still people with feelings, emotions, and dreams. I still am the girl who fell down a flight of stairs when I was 5 and needed stitches in my head. I am still the girl who believes in the "forever, can't live without each other" type of love. I am still the girl pursuing two degrees at university so that when I decide to get off this wild ride, I will have options. I am still the girl who sat in a corner and cried for hours when I realized that nothing I could ever say or do could change the minds of these people I once admired. Finally, for those people who will hopefully read this, I am still the girl who fell in love with your son from the very moment our eyes locked. I am the girl who won't get over the division you have put between us which is the very reason we are no longer together. I am the girl who will never understand why you took away my happiness.
So to answer my question, I believe it was said best in Season 6 of sex and the City. Miranda and Carrie were arguing about Carrie's pending move to Paris with her Russian lover. The conversation kind of went like this:
Miranda: What about your job; your column?
Carrie: They'll find some 29 year old with a bunch of new problems to write the column.
Miranda: But you can't quit your column - it's who you are!
Carrie: Its not who I am, its what I do. I can either write about my life or I can go live my life!
I would hate to think that the eventual end of my porn career means the end of my sex life. I would hate to think that every time we switch jobs, change careers, or even take a sabbatical that we lose our identity and the very things that make us whole. Finally, I would hate to believe that at my funeral, my eulogy would go something like this: **Laura/Devyn was a real nice girl, and boy, could she Fuck! This is not all that I am reduced to. Having sex may be what I do, but it's not the only thing I can do. So to answer my question - Who I am vs. What I do: Is there Really a difference? Well, you bet your ass there is a difference and I pity those who can not see it. Please send your questions/comments to Devyn @ AINews.com [linked in the box to the right].