April 20, 2006 12:09am
Pornstars Not Sexy Doormats
Source: Adult Industry News
by: Devyn Devine
Why Does Love make us the Sexiest Doormats of All?
Hi all. Devyn Devine here with another thought-provoking column sent here to welcome in the season of spring... ah, the season of love. I have been fortunate enough to have had many ups and downs in the relationship department. I like to say I have been fortunate because with every miserably flawed and failed relationship, I have taken something away from each of them that has armed me with experiences for the next relationship that is doomed to fail.
Part of the reason I hate mainstream movies is because of their portrayal of lies in regards to love and "happily ever-after," a term I believe does not exist. As a child I would sit and watch movies that would dictate how my forever should look. I have watched other people and tried to emulate a lifestyle of happiness and love. I guess you could say that all I ever want was my picture of forever to include and man who loved me fiercely and passionately; waking up in one another's arms as the warm sun beat down on our sleepy faces through the window. It is really picturesque if you allow me to indulge the vision upon you.
Meeting that special someone who you can cook and move about with in the kitchen in such a rhythmic way that it's almost like music. The thought of having that person who you can crawl up to, sit on their laps while facing them, noses 2 inches apart is what fueled me to continue to live life in search of, dare I say it, my soul mate.
While no relationship is ever perfect, I have to wonder why it is that industry girls tend to get the bunk end of the stick when it comes to mate selection. Who deserves the scenario described above and how much will someone put up with to achieve it? I have known my fair share of "happy" couples who aren't associated with the industry and on the flip side, couples whose lives were so volatile one must wonder how and why that would have ever gotten together.
So what does this have to do with porn? Nothing. That's right, I said absolutely nothing. It does, however, surprise me to see girls, superstars even, in this crazy industry allow them selves to be treated so badly by the "bottom of the barrel" type of man. We all have adoring fans who would gladly give us anything at anytime to simply stand next to us. Why, then, do we become the sexiest doormats of all in hopes of finding the next to impossible dream?
I know of many people and have many friends in the industry who seem to fit this mold. To bring some light on the subject, I want to tell a little bit of about their stories. All names have been changed.
First, the only name who I will not change is Jenna's.
In her book, How to Make Love like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale, Jenna talks about a relationship she had started as a teenager which continued on into adulthood. Without spoiling the book, and I must say, I recommend that everyone pick up a copy, all I will tell you is that this man lead Jenna down a path of drug abuse, stole money from her, and loved her just enough to keep her hanging on in hopes of a pseudo-normal life together. (Jameson, Book I) While Jenna wasn't the porn goddess that she is today when this was happening, she was still the top girl at the Crazy Horse in Vegas and she still had men falling at their feet for her. Jenna was able to get out, but for every one Jenna who escapes, there are several more that do not.
**Marianne was quickly becoming a top name in the adult industry. To those on the outside, things between her and her husband looked fine. He accompanied her to her feature dance gigs, and they had built a few successful websites together. Some might ask if he was a suitcase pimp. Many would answer, no. Shockingly, it was reported that the couple was to split citing many years of physical and mental abuse. The thought of this man putting his hands on this stunningly beautiful, well sought-after porn star is beyond me. And why would a woman who exhibits such confidence and strength allow herself to be beat up for so long. Unfortunate, but unfortunately not uncommon.
**Linda met a man at a party. In less than one week, he managed to hit her and let his addictions unleash themselves. Linda was smart and didn't end up staying with him, BUT did devote an entire night to the drama of the incident and eventually did end up back with him, for he promised to clean up and never do it again. Thank God, Linda finally saw his ways and left for good.
**Kayla was torn between two worlds. A life in porn and a life filled with forever. She found her soul mate. Unfortunately, the person she found was an addict, who was clean and sober for 6 months before relapsing and turning into a completely different person. This man was her best friend and eventually, they were going to get married. He even proposed. Together, they were solid, but apart, all hell broke loose. He would promise to call, but wouldn't. He would promise to tell people about their engagement, but didn't. He led her on and played these games, and all the while she believed that they would eventually be together and be happy. She overlooked his many transgressions. The worst part is that she has fans that she talks to on a regular basis who adore her. Most days, my friend just sits in the corner and cries, wondering why the man of her dreams can't adore her the way everyone else seems to.
Whatever happened to the man of our dreams coming home with flowers, calling when they say they are going to, and just being the best friend that they promised to be? And why is it, that we (yes, I do include myself in that equations) allow ourselves to be pulled down by these guys when we could have any guy we wanted?
Granted, it does take a special kind of girl to do this job, and unfortunately when I say special, I mean girls who come from a background of an assortment of abuse and man-issues. Not every girl, but a lot of them, myself included.
So can we ever truly find happiness, or are we destined to fall for the "wrong by a lot" type of man? I would like to believe that we can tap into our beauty and strength and overcome the cycle of mental, emotional, and physical abuse that is so prevalent in this industry. In a society where beauty is power and sex is a weapon, let us learn how to use that power and weaponry to aid us in finding forever. And when we do finally find our forever, let us learn to make choices based on what we actually WANT to do, rather then what we need to do.
When I find the man to complete by idea of tomorrow, I want to be independent yet choose to depend on him. I want to choose to love from my heart rather than love from a place of loneliness. I want to meet someone to love him from the first moment our eyes lock. When this happens, the rest of the world falls away, and while nothing is ever perfect, I can only hope to use the bad times as a surf board bringing my to my next ride on the waves. Sometimes we fall off the board into the ocean, but true surfers always get back on.
And guys, a couple of words to you.
Just like you want the whore in the bedroom and the virgin to bring home to mom, we want the bad boy to exhilarate us and the nice guy who is always in our corner. Just as you want sex, we want emotion. And finally, we are tired of always being the one to call, the one to make plans, and the one to figure out a way. Just as man can not survive on bread alone, our relationship can not survive with the beating of one heart. One person represented in a relationship equals a relationship that is DNR. We are realizing this and we are taking our lives back!
So what do you think? Men, are you strong enough to be with a porn goddess? Porn goddesses, we may let everyone fuck us, but we don't have to let any man fuck WITH us. Its time for all of to stand up and have a little more self-respect. Present company included!
Send your comments to Devyn @ AINews.com